Lesson 19: Boys love to flirt

Boys will flirt no matter what their age.  They start young and never stop...no matter what their age.  Eli just turned 3, and today, I watched him turn around after a cute girl walked by.  I asked him if he looked at the cute girl and he said something about her butt.  Luckily, he still doesn't speak clearly, so I'm not sure what he said.  Later, while on the lazy river, another cute girl floated by and he started splashing her with water.  He didn't splash anyone before her and didn't splash anyone after her.

I'm afraid to know what the coming years will bring. If he's flirting now, I may need to lock him up by the time he's 10.  If I wasn't afraid that homeschooling would kill me/drive me insane/turn me into an alcoholic, I could keep him home until he's 18.  However, I can't take that chance, so I'll have to find solace in the fact that he can't come home pregnant.  Sorry...I know that's a horrifying thought.

Lesson 18: The truth about boys

There are a few truths in this world that parents of little boys must accept.
1) Boys are genetically programmed to play with guns and trucks.  No matter the age, a little boy always knows what to do when handed a toy truck or gun.  They also know what sounds to make.  I've listened to "BANG!" and "VROOM!" until I feel like at a Monster Truck Jam Gun Show.

2) Boys will always think that farting and burping are funny.  At no point do they find it gross, repulsive, or in any way inappropriate.  Both seem to be as necessary as breathing, and it doesn't seem to matter where we are...in the car, in WalMart, at the Frank Lloyd Wright exhibit, etc.

Unfortunately, there are no solutions or quick fixes for these problem.  Just invest in a winery and accept it...

Lesson 17...No, this is more like advice

This more advice than lesson learned. 
While having only one child may seem like the financially responsible thing to do, DON'T!  Have at least 2 kids...for your sanity.  The notion that "only" children are calm, placid, reserved kids is completely false.  An "only" child needs your undivided attention, and when there are no other options, sees you as the play friend, play toy, entertainment source, etc.  However, by having at least 2 children, they can play, fight, and generally entertain each other...leaving you to enjoy your beer or glass of wine in peace on the back patio.  For those who have chosen to only have one child, consider yourselves warned.

Lesson 16: Learn to count

Learn to count.  Don't worry.  You don't have to count very high...5 or 10 at the most.  Most parents are familiar with the practice of counting to 3 when the child decides to "test" their limits.  However, for those of us who have kids in the 7-13 range who suffer from the inability to make a decision, counting works fabulously!  I give Ean to the count of 5 before I make a decision for him.  If he can't decide what he wants at a restaurant, he has to the count of 5.  If he can't decide what he wants to drink, he has to the count of 5.  If he can't decide which toy or book, he has to the count of 5.  See the pattern?  If you want a little extra lesson learning (for the kiddies), when you make a decision for them, choose what you know they would not want.  It works especially well in teaching them that you are serious in your counting.  It may sound cruel and mean, but boy, is it effective!!!

Lesson 15: Gift Shops are Evil

Gift shops are the biggest waste of time.  Parents are conned into going into these souvenir shops by their kids who want SOMETHING.  The don't care what; they just want SOMETHING.  We spent 20 minutes wandering around the same gift shop looking for SOMETHING for Ean.  HE didn't want anything specific; he just wanted SOMETHING!  Why don't they just sell brown paper bags filled with garbage?  It really won't matter, because like the crap that Ean would have finally chosen just to have SOMETHING, it too would have ended up in the garbage.  In the end, SOMETHING always equals NOTHING, and parents have to spend too much money on garbage.  I guess I should have learned when he was a baby and boxes were more entertaining than the toys inside.

Note to self...teach my child the value of money. 

Lesson 14

Make lists...lots of lists!  I usually pride myself on being organized and using lists for everything.  For some reason, I didn't make a list when i packed the boys' clothes.  As of today (day 2 of 7 day trip), I've found that I've forgotten Ean's toothbrush, pjs, bathing suits, and swim shirt.  How can i manage to remember swim masks, goggles, and toys, not the mention the forethought to buy tv trays for the car ride, but forget bathing suits and toothbrushes!?!?!?!?!  Thank goodness for Walmart!

Lesson 13: Day 2...Most Useful Tip EVER

Most parents have used the line, "Because I said so."  If you haven't, I suggest you do so.  Now, it's time for everyone to practice the most vital part of that line, "AND that's the only answer you need."  I have found that by adding these few extra words solves/ends many arguments and endless lines of questioning.
For example:
Child: "I want a cookie."
Parent: "No"
Child: "But why?"
Parent: "Because I said so and that's the only answer you need."

Note: 
"That's the only answer you need" can be tacked on to the end of nearly any answer you give.

For example:
Child (Ean): "Did we have a pinata last year?"
Parent (Me): "Yes"
Ean: "No, we didn't"
Me: "Yes we did, Ean."
Ean: "No we didn't"
Me: "Yes we did.  I have a better memory than you, and that's the only answer you need."
***END of argument***

Such a versatile line...Practice it; Use it; Love it.