Lesson 20: Vacation Needs

No one is happy unless Mom spends every minute catering to them/taking care of them/entertaining them.  While I understand that its a job I've taken on willingly, I wonder if they understand that their vacation is just another working day for me.  From the time I wake up, I think about what to cook for breakfast, what to pack in the backpack for the day, what to do for lunch, how to handle nap time on a busy schedule, what to cook for dinner, baths, and bedtimes, not to mention how to keep them entertained through the day. I'm beginning to think that vacations should come with:
Nannies to care for the kids
Cooks to prepare the meals
Maids to clean up the messes
Cruise directors to plan the entertainment and
School administrators to make all of the decisions

For everyone who just said, "why don't you just take a cruise?", yes, that's an option.  However, kid camp is not a 24 hour daycare, and I would still have to make decisions.  I also understand that many people just say, "why don't you go out to eat?".  Again, yes, we could.  However, we all know that feeding kids fast-food at every meal is not healthy, and eating out gets expensive.

I do not have a solution.  Moms should be given a week long spa vacation every year.  No kids, no cooking, no cleaning, no decisions, nothing...just people to cater to every wish, need, and want.  If you want a mani/pedi in your bathrobe with no one talking to you...done!  If you want breakfast served in your bed at 4pm...done!  If you want Days of Our Lives on IMAX...done!  If you don't want to walk/want to be carried everywhere...done!  If you want to eat chocolate at every meal...done! 

Maybe it's not practical or even fair, but a girl can dream...

Lesson 19: Boys love to flirt

Boys will flirt no matter what their age.  They start young and never stop...no matter what their age.  Eli just turned 3, and today, I watched him turn around after a cute girl walked by.  I asked him if he looked at the cute girl and he said something about her butt.  Luckily, he still doesn't speak clearly, so I'm not sure what he said.  Later, while on the lazy river, another cute girl floated by and he started splashing her with water.  He didn't splash anyone before her and didn't splash anyone after her.

I'm afraid to know what the coming years will bring. If he's flirting now, I may need to lock him up by the time he's 10.  If I wasn't afraid that homeschooling would kill me/drive me insane/turn me into an alcoholic, I could keep him home until he's 18.  However, I can't take that chance, so I'll have to find solace in the fact that he can't come home pregnant.  Sorry...I know that's a horrifying thought.

Lesson 18: The truth about boys

There are a few truths in this world that parents of little boys must accept.
1) Boys are genetically programmed to play with guns and trucks.  No matter the age, a little boy always knows what to do when handed a toy truck or gun.  They also know what sounds to make.  I've listened to "BANG!" and "VROOM!" until I feel like at a Monster Truck Jam Gun Show.

2) Boys will always think that farting and burping are funny.  At no point do they find it gross, repulsive, or in any way inappropriate.  Both seem to be as necessary as breathing, and it doesn't seem to matter where we are...in the car, in WalMart, at the Frank Lloyd Wright exhibit, etc.

Unfortunately, there are no solutions or quick fixes for these problem.  Just invest in a winery and accept it...

Lesson 17...No, this is more like advice

This more advice than lesson learned. 
While having only one child may seem like the financially responsible thing to do, DON'T!  Have at least 2 kids...for your sanity.  The notion that "only" children are calm, placid, reserved kids is completely false.  An "only" child needs your undivided attention, and when there are no other options, sees you as the play friend, play toy, entertainment source, etc.  However, by having at least 2 children, they can play, fight, and generally entertain each other...leaving you to enjoy your beer or glass of wine in peace on the back patio.  For those who have chosen to only have one child, consider yourselves warned.

Lesson 16: Learn to count

Learn to count.  Don't worry.  You don't have to count very high...5 or 10 at the most.  Most parents are familiar with the practice of counting to 3 when the child decides to "test" their limits.  However, for those of us who have kids in the 7-13 range who suffer from the inability to make a decision, counting works fabulously!  I give Ean to the count of 5 before I make a decision for him.  If he can't decide what he wants at a restaurant, he has to the count of 5.  If he can't decide what he wants to drink, he has to the count of 5.  If he can't decide which toy or book, he has to the count of 5.  See the pattern?  If you want a little extra lesson learning (for the kiddies), when you make a decision for them, choose what you know they would not want.  It works especially well in teaching them that you are serious in your counting.  It may sound cruel and mean, but boy, is it effective!!!

Lesson 15: Gift Shops are Evil

Gift shops are the biggest waste of time.  Parents are conned into going into these souvenir shops by their kids who want SOMETHING.  The don't care what; they just want SOMETHING.  We spent 20 minutes wandering around the same gift shop looking for SOMETHING for Ean.  HE didn't want anything specific; he just wanted SOMETHING!  Why don't they just sell brown paper bags filled with garbage?  It really won't matter, because like the crap that Ean would have finally chosen just to have SOMETHING, it too would have ended up in the garbage.  In the end, SOMETHING always equals NOTHING, and parents have to spend too much money on garbage.  I guess I should have learned when he was a baby and boxes were more entertaining than the toys inside.

Note to self...teach my child the value of money. 

Lesson 14

Make lists...lots of lists!  I usually pride myself on being organized and using lists for everything.  For some reason, I didn't make a list when i packed the boys' clothes.  As of today (day 2 of 7 day trip), I've found that I've forgotten Ean's toothbrush, pjs, bathing suits, and swim shirt.  How can i manage to remember swim masks, goggles, and toys, not the mention the forethought to buy tv trays for the car ride, but forget bathing suits and toothbrushes!?!?!?!?!  Thank goodness for Walmart!

Lesson 13: Day 2...Most Useful Tip EVER

Most parents have used the line, "Because I said so."  If you haven't, I suggest you do so.  Now, it's time for everyone to practice the most vital part of that line, "AND that's the only answer you need."  I have found that by adding these few extra words solves/ends many arguments and endless lines of questioning.
For example:
Child: "I want a cookie."
Parent: "No"
Child: "But why?"
Parent: "Because I said so and that's the only answer you need."

Note: 
"That's the only answer you need" can be tacked on to the end of nearly any answer you give.

For example:
Child (Ean): "Did we have a pinata last year?"
Parent (Me): "Yes"
Ean: "No, we didn't"
Me: "Yes we did, Ean."
Ean: "No we didn't"
Me: "Yes we did.  I have a better memory than you, and that's the only answer you need."
***END of argument***

Such a versatile line...Practice it; Use it; Love it.

Lesson 12: Day 2

12:25PM...Day 2

When your child VOLUNTARILY says, "I'm going to take a nap," do not believe them...EVER!!!!  Eli willingly got up from lunch, told us he was going to take a nap, and headed to the guest room where he & Ean have their sleeping bags.  Jeremy & I were naively impressed.  A few minutes later, the strange noises coming from the guest room are brought to our attention.  Yep, Eli was awake & playing.  To make matters worse, he somehow managed to get a pair of Grandma's tiny doll eyeglasses stuck inside a little musical instrument.  In his defense, he was holding the instrument up to the night light, trying to see the glasses.  We assume he would have tried to get the glasses out...

Lesson learned: NEVER believe that a child "wants" to take a nap...no matter how impressive it might seem.

Lesson 11

11:14am
Kids are excited to be in a new place.  Parents are excited to find alcohol before noon.  Don't judge...you know it's true.

Lesson 10

10:25pm
Set low expectations & you'll be nicely surprised.  I figured this road trip would be the car trip from hell.  However, the boys are impressing me.  They've never once asked, "Are we there yet?"  Granted, between the DVD players, snacks, toys, and books, they should be content.  They didn't get fidgety until an hour before we arrived.

Lesson 9: Cake Pans & Car Trips

What do cake pans & car trips have in common?  No, it's not a joke, and normally, the two have nothing to do with one another.  HOWEVER, this is my one proud, brilliant idea for the trip.  I brought basic, 9" round cake pans for Eli to use as a plate during the car ride.  He could put everything from Happy Meal nuggets & fries to gummy snacks in the pan, sit it in his lap, and eat without dropping or spilling anything!  It fit perfectly and was easier for little hands than fishing around inside of tiny packages.  Yay me!!

Lesson 8: SMH

3:15pm
No good has ever come from grunting in the back seat.  I heard Eli grunting. 
I asked, "Eli, are you pooping?"
Eli replies, "No, I peeing."
A few seconds go by...
Eli yells, "Mooooom!  I need go bathroom!"

I have no solution for this...SMH

Lesson 7: Slurpees

When all else fails, bribe them!  I've now discovered that Eli will do anything for a slurpee...Thank heaven for 7-11!!  Eli will pee in the potty for a slurpee.  Ean will pick out his own food when threatened with losing a slurpee-tunity.  Who knew that slurpees could be so versatile? 

Note: The slurpee brand isn't a necessity.  Anything that resembles a slurpee will work.  We're using "Monkey Ice."

Lesson 6: Buffet

Noon...
Buffet restaurants rule!  I'm not personally a huge fan, but when you have picky eaters, it's a must.  We always opt for buffets when travelling with the kids.  They can always find something to eat.  Today's choice...SHONEY's.  There's still 1/2 breakfast & 1/2 lunch available.

One warning: When your child comes back to the table with a plate FULL of mandarin orange slices and you say that age-old parenting line, "You're going to eat all of that young man!", be advised, fruit is nature's laxative.  Just sayin'

Lesson 5: Latex gloves

Buy latex gloves for your kids to use in public restrooms.  For some reason, Eli feels that he has to touch every public toilet seat he sees.  Litle boys are suppose to have the convenience of standing to pee, so why do we need to grab hold of the toilet seats!?!?!?  GROSS!!!!

Update:  I must be overly dramatic or very obvious in my aversion to toilet seat touching; Eli is now asking if he can touch the toilet seat.  The answer, of course, is still "No!"  He's now taken a liking to the handicap rail in the larger stalls.  I guess it's the lesser of the two evils.

Lesson 4: Kids are never happy

8:50am...
Kids are NEVER happy!  No matter what, they want what they do not have and do not want what they have.  If Eli has taken his headphones off once, he's taken them off a dozen times in the past hour.  He's turned of the DVD player twice and already wants the movie changed.  I think I've pulled a muscle in my back from twisting to cater to his indecisiveness. 
Why didn't I buy Benadryl in bulk????

Lesson 3...lovin the TV trays

TV trays arejust for living room dining anymore.  We bought the kids tv trays for eating, color, etc.  GREAT IDEA! 

Downside/disclaimer: Somehow, Eli reached his foot across the arm rest and got his foot stuck in the side pocket of Ean's tv tray...again, duct tape could have prevented this problem...uugghhhh. 

Lesson #2

4:20am...
If kids are awake, they're hungry.  Ean's already complaining about being hungry & it's only 4am!  Why didn't I use the Benadryl !?!?!?!?  If boredom equals hunger, does that mean all those kids on the Sally Struthers "Feed the Children" commercials are just bored?  Probably not... 

I probably just lost the humanitarian of the year award...

Parenting Lessons Learned from a Good Ole Fashion Roadtrip #1

3:30am...
We'll carry the kids to the car and drive as far as we can while they sleep.  WRONG!!!!! We carried both sleeping kids to the car.  By the way, carrying sleeping kids is like carrying concrete block with your pinky finger...GEEEZ!!!  We've been on the road since 3am.  It's now 3:30am, and both kids are wide awake.  Ean is already complaining that he's hungry.  Remind me again, why I didn't use Benadryl!!?!?!?

Germs are not bad

Have you ever seen the parents who Germ-X everything?  Bottles, toys, door knobs, pacifiers, the hands of every friend & family member that comes by for a visit... As a society, we have become such germaphobes that we sell/buy antibacterial everything!  Is it helping?  Are your kids any healthier?  Have you single handedly rid the world of Ebola? Probably not.

My cousin sanitized and Germ-Xed everything in her house and everything she came in contact with, and I swear her kid was sicker than any of ours.  She never had a chance to build up an immune system.  Her parents self-imposed "bubble" did more to cause her illnesses than any tiny germ could have.  Germ-X didn't exist when we were kids, and amazingly, we survived.  Antibacterial wipes weren't even dreamt of, and oddly, we were basically healthy.  I still contend that parents go overboard on their first child, and there's nothing wrong with that...as long as you can live with the consequences. I can't begin to count the hours that my cousin spent boiling baby bottles and nipples.  Seriously!  She broke out a huge canning pot every night to boil bottles & nipples.  If I'm not mistaken, most modern dishwashers have a sanitizing feature.  That's good enough for me...

And, why bother killing every germ?  Anyone who's ever walked into a daycare has witnessed that slobber fest in the baby room when everyone is teething.  Babies chew; babies drool; babies gnaw...on everything and everyone.  There's no avoiding it or stopping it.  Kids are going to get sick...deal with it!  Think of it this way...expose them to germs when their little and they'll have cast iron immune systems by the time they hit kindergarten.  Remember, it wasn't so long ago that our parents hosted "Chicken Pox Parties," hoping for us to catch it and be done with it.  No one locked up our parents for that one.

As for my cousin, by the time the second child came along, she was over her germ issues.  No, germs were no longer the problem...drinks were.  Milk and water only...no juice!  Juice is the enemy...smh.  That's a topic for another day...

I've never been one for reading instructions

I've never been one for reading instructions, so it's no surprise that I wasn't overly thrilled at the idea of reading any of the What to Expect  books. Sure, I bought What to Expect When You're Expecting, and I'm pretty sure I thumbed through it, looking at the pictures.  Maybe I should have read it...I might not have been as surprised by some of the things that happened.  However, I'm pretty sure that the crap my kids pull isn't in any book.

I know all the psycho-babble about kids and parenting...nurture their creativity; all kids are different; kids are the product of their environment..all of it.  By no means, am I an expert or a preacher.  I do, however, believe that parents learn from their mistakes.  Let's face it, my experience with my second son has been far less traumatic, far more enjoyable, and much different than that of my first son.  If child-rearing is like learning to ride a bike and each kid is like a fall from the bike, I could be damn near perfect after about a dozen kids.  Maybe that's why the Duggars have so many...They must be perfect parents!

Some of what I write may be viewed as sarcasm.  It is; I've never denied it.  Some of what I write may not be politically correct.  I can guarantee it won't; it's called honesty.  Some of what I write won't be what the psychologists, child development professors, or child care professionals preach; it's way more useful.  Some of what I write isn't even helpful; many times shared experiences are just as therapeutic.